A Candid Confession

I have dealt with obesity for eleven long years of my life now, and I still remember going to a reputed Endocrinologist after my husband took the reigns of my life in his hands ( and thank god for it ). I went through some routine tests and thought the advise will be similar to what other doctors , especially the gynaecs had dolled out without being too sensitive about it - LOSE WEIGHT & EAT LIKE A HUMAN NOT A PIG ( yes, someone actually said that to me). It hurt as I was mostly starving myself those days, refusing everything that my heart wanted to eat, just because I was so conscious of my weight gain for no apparent reason. It confused me and I felt helpless. However when I met this endocrinologist, I was about to hear some complex words, words that I had never heard before that day of June 2008 - HYPOTHYROIDISM and PCOS. In a nutshell to understand what this meant was that my endocrine system which produced and released hormones to help control many important body functions - including my body's ability to change calories into energy which eventually powered cells and organs, influenced my heart beat and how my bones and tissues grew, and even my ability to make a baby was not functioning at its optimum. 

Well why me? The answer lied in how I had lived my life between 2000 and 2008. Major lifestyle changes after marriage - trying to adjust to new ways of life in a new city and so much more. Changes in my eating habits, changes to my sleep pattern since I worked nights for 2 years coupled with work stress (this one was a killer since I came from a quaint town where work meant discharging your duties peacefully and coming back home by 5:30 PM). In my new city, work meant - a defined goal sheet for the year, cut throat competition throughout the year, and witnessing a hara-kiri at the end of the year telling you what you could have done better the whole year. American way of life is what they called it :) New city, with lack of any support system - my obsession for being "Ms. Perfect" dealt the death blow to my endocrine system - I wanted to be the perfect host, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter-in-law, the perfect employee and everything perfect under the sun that you can think of. I was an epitome of perfection in all walks of life, but I was quickly ceasing to be anything but perfect for my own self.

So I ended up paying a price for being so many people all at once - and that price was my health. Yes I agree I have a soft corner for potatoes and rice (both deadly carbs) , but you should watch my neighbor eating loads of similar stuff throughout the day and yet being "SIZE ZERO". I just had to look at these and I could feel a couple of kilos heavier. Life did not feel fair anymore!

So what was my first instinctive reaction, apart from diligently taking the medications that the doctors put me on - instead of looking inwards, I started browsing the internet that was filled with loads of options on how to "quick-fix" my problems. I started out with fad diets, weight loss medications, herbs and concoctions that were not even validated scientifically and all kinds of extreme measures. Well they did work for a couple of months but pushed me back each time with my weight rebounding every single time - and I was heavier by a couple of more kilos each time.

And then - the health complications started to surmount stealthily and I started to move away from my goal with each passing day. I had no will to continue with anything - my skin and texture which was good so far started to give away since I started treading the paths of depression and self - dislike.

Worst impact was on my social life, since I did not want to meet people, especially old friends (though had to go to work each single day without much choice), started to wrap myself into meters and meters of fabric to disguise my frame, shy away from social gatherings since I did not want to be clicked. I even remember asking friends not to post my pictures on social networking sites, and would go to large extents to monitor if someone had "tagged" me to any album and "untag" my picture immediately so that very few people could see what had become of me. Sarcastic and snide remarks from relatives and friends about me "not choosing to have a baby" used to ensure I came back home crying or bitter from every single social gathering. I could not tell them of multiple quiet miscarriages I was having over the years because my hormones would not support a healthy pregnancy after the first couple of months each time. I could clearly see my personality changing because of all of this - I was becoming more coercive, bitter and negative person.

Why this extreme reaction you might ask - well, all this cannot be too hard to imagine. Till now I had always associated the outer image more important than what lied beneath. If I told you that I was once a winner of a local beauty pageant, and was also a small time model, maybe it will all fall into place as to why this extreme disdain with myself. I disliked what I saw in the mirrors. I was depressed....

What I finally realized that was that no magic potion or pill could transform me physically and more importantly mentally overnight. That its going to be a long arduous journey that might take years. That I will fall multiple times, but what is important is to pick myself up each time and start afresh. Did the baby steps to transformation that I have started lead to immediate results? Far from it, as it takes immense will-power and self affirmation to take even the first step. I disappointed myself and my loved ones again and again, but the good part is that I have not given up on myself yet, and if you are reading this story, let me tell you that its a long-winded journey but there are many like you who are walking it alone, and tirelessly each day. So do not lose hope yet!